Bobby vs. Girls (Accidentally) Read online

  “But I don’t,” Bobby protested.

  “Write it down,” Chess ordered. After dictating a few more suggestions, he said, “Okay, now read your speech to me.”

  Bobby picked up his index cards. “Fine voters of Room 15 —”

  “STOP!” Chess shouted. “Slow down. Lower your voice. Look sincere.”

  “Fine voters —” Bobby began again.

  “STOP!” Chess barked. “Stand up straight. Speak up. Smile. Look sincere.”

  “Chess! Do you want me to look sincere or to smile?”

  “Yes! And try not to look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

  After Bobby gave his speech five times, Chess stretched out his arms and yawned. “Bobby, don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s really dull and boring. You could put the entire class to sleep. You could put the whole school to sleep. You could put the whole town to —”

  “But it’s what you told me to write,” Bobby wailed. He slumped in his chair.

  “You’re the one who wrote it,” Chess said defensively. “I just helped.”

  Both boys were silent, each deep in thought.

  “I’ve got it!” Chess finally yelled. “If you have a really dynamic ending, no one will remember how boring the beginning was.”

  Bobby nodded. Chess had something there. It was like dessert. If you had chocolate cake for dessert, it made you forget about the Brussels sprouts. He thought about what might make a good ending. Princess Becky always ended her show with a song, but he wasn’t about to sing in public. “How about this?” Bobby finally asked. “Knock knock.

  “Who’s there?

  “Bobby.

  “Bobby who?

  “Bobby, your student council rep, that’s who!” He grinned. “What do you think of that?”

  But Chess didn’t answer. He had fallen asleep on the bed.

  * * *

  That night Bobby tossed and turned and fought with his pillow. He dreamt that when he got to his dynamic ending, the entire class was snoring — including Mrs. Carlson. In the morning, he was so tangled up in his sheets that he had to yell for his mother to help him get out of bed.

  As Bobby got dressed, the static from his T-shirt made his hair even more wild than usual. He slipped into the jacket of Chess’s funeral suit. It practically swallowed him whole. Bobby felt ill. What was he doing? What was he thinking? He was just Bobby. How could he even imagine he’d win an election?

  Bobby took Mr. Huggums down from the shelf and gave him a squeeze. Then he turned to Rover. “I’ll see you after school, buddy. Wish me luck.”

  Rover circled the tank twice before pushing his soccer ball into the net. Astonished, Bobby shouted, “You did it! Rover, you did it!”

  Rover always did know how to cheer him up.

  “You look funny,” Casey said as Bobby took his seat at the breakfast table.

  “I think you look nice,” Mrs. Ellis-Chan assured Bobby. She pulled a pair of Casey’s pink ballet tights off of her dress. “Good luck with your speech and the election, Bobby.”

  “Remember to breathe,” Annie told him as Mr. Ellis-Chan set a bowl of soupy oatmeal in front of her.

  “If you get nervous,” his father added, “just focus on one person in the audience.”

  “And if you get scared, shut your eyes and sing,” Casey suggested. “Then Da-Da-Doo the dragon will come rescue you.”

  Bobby had a lot on his mind as he headed to school. To skateboard would have been dangerous. The pant legs on Chess’s funeral suit were so long he kept tripping over himself. Bobby slowed down when he spotted Holly leaving her house. He hid behind a tree and watched her kiss her mother good-bye. She was wearing a Girl Scout uniform covered with badges and pins. When did she become a Girl Scout? Bobby gulped and pushed his sleeves up. Holly looked impressive, like someone who was about to win an election.

  Don’t you look nice,” Mrs. Carlson commented as Bobby took his seat. He gave her a weak smile and wondered if it would be rude if he barfed.

  Bobby glanced at Jillian Zarr. She was wearing a Girl Scout uniform too, and so were three other girls from their wolf pack. They looked united.

  An election booth made out of a big cardboard box stood in the back of the room. “After each of you casts your vote,” Mrs. Carlson told the class, “you will get a flag sticker.”

  St. James whispered loudly, “I’m going to vote twice to get two.”

  To Bobby’s relief, Holly volunteered to deliver her speech first. This gave him more time to figure out how to disappear. Holly went up to the front of the room.

  “If you’re smart, you use a spoon, not a fork, when you eat ice cream,” Holly said confidently. She wasn’t even using notes! Bobby glanced at Jillian Zarr, who was quietly reciting Holly’s speech along with her. He looked back at Holly in time to hear her say, “… so, if you’re smart, you turn in your homework on time, and if you’re smart, you vote for me, Holly Harper, for your Room 15 student council representative!”

  The girls clapped and cheered while the boys looked bored.

  Bobby was disappointed to find out he hadn’t disappeared, although he did feel like he was shrinking in the oversized funeral suit.

  “Don’t forget your dynamic ending!” Chess whispered as Bobby dragged himself to the front of the room. The suit felt stiff. Bobby felt itchy. He tried to remember to stand up straight and to smile and to look sincere and to look serious.

  “Bobby, are you all right?” Mrs. Carlson asked. She hurried over to him and put her hand on his forehead. Her hand felt cool. “Hmm … no fever.”

  “Um, I’m okay.” He took a deep breath and dropped his index cards. Horrified, he scrambled to pick them up, but his pants were so long he tripped and fell. He looked up in time to see Chess slap himself in the forehead.

  Bobby stood up and read his first index card. “Who’s there?” he said. But that was from the knock-knock joke…. His notes were all out of order! Bobby began to sweat. He went ahead and finished the knock-knock joke, even though it was supposed to be his dynamic ending. It didn’t matter anyway. No one laughed.

  Bobby remembered his father’s advice and tried to focus on one person in the room. But when he looked up, all he could see was Jillian Zarr smirking at him. So instead, he tried to focus on not passing out. His mouth felt like it was full of cotton, yet somehow he kept muddling forward. The class looked bored, and Bobby couldn’t blame them. Even he was bored by his own speech.

  “So, in conclusion …” Bobby mumbled. “That’s it.”

  There was a smattering of applause, led by St. James. Bobby halfheartedly took a bow, as Chess had told him to do. He was sweating so much he felt like he was swimming. Bobby took off the suit jacket and shuffled back to his seat in silence.

  Suddenly, one side of the room erupted in laughter. When Bobby turned around, the other side started howling. He turned around and around, trying to see if someone was doing something weird behind his back. The laughter only got louder.

  What? What is it? Bobby wondered. Why wouldn’t anyone let him in on the joke?

  Bobby heard a familiar crackling sound as Jillian Zarr peeled something off his back. “Bobby, I believe this is yours,” she said, waving a purple piece of material high in the air.

  Slowly it dawned on him. He was the joke.

  “Static cling,” Bobby said weakly as he grabbed the purple thing from Jillian Zarr — Casey’s Princess Becky underpants.

  No one could hear him over the laughter. St. James was doubled over on the floor. Chess was laughing so hard no sound was coming out. Even Mrs. Carlson was snorting.

  Bobby shoved the underpants deep into his pocket. “Static cling,” he repeated, but the laughter was drowning him out. “Static cling, static cling, static cling …”

  The only one in the room who wasn’t laughing was Holly. She looked almost as pained as Bobby. Mrs. Carlson finally got the class to calm down by blinking the lights on and off.

  Holly stood up. “Bobby Ellis-Chan,
I can’t believe you would do something like that!” she proclaimed. “Your stunt has nothing to do with the election. It was just a cheap trick to get everyone to remember you.”

  “But … I …”

  “Mrs. Carlson,” Holly said, “may we move on to voting?”

  “Yes, I think that’s a good idea,” Mrs. Carlson said as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue. Bobby, are you done?”

  “I’m done,” he assured her. “It’s over.”

  * * *

  During lunch everyone was sporting flag stickers.

  “You were brilliant!” Chess declared. “Acting all scared and nervous — and then pulling off that underpants stunt. Now that was a dynamic ending!”

  “I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to wet my pants,” St. James said. “It was classic.”

  Bobby smiled weakly. As he poked a hole in his sandwich, Jillian Zarr stomped over to his table.

  “Bobby, I can’t believe you would stoop that low just to get attention. You made a mockery out of the election. You should be ashamed of yourself!”

  “You should be ashamed because we’re going to win, and the boys will be in charge!” St. James called after her. “Boys rule! Girls drool!”

  Jillian Zarr turned around and gave him a look so cold that St. James actually shivered. “For your information,” she said, with anger dripping from every word, “Holly will win, the girls will rule, and Bobby will be nothing but a loser!”

  The guys laughed nervously as she stomped back to her wolf pack. Bobby pretended to laugh too, but his stomach was churning. The boys were convinced he was going to win. They were counting on him. But what if Jillian Zarr was right?

  * * *

  After lunch, Mrs. Carlson stood by her desk holding a piece of paper folded in half. “I have the results of the election right here.”

  The class instantly quieted. Holly and Bobby glanced at each other nervously.

  “Fourteen votes for Holly,” Mrs. Carlson announced. “Fourteen votes for Bobby. It’s a tie!”

  Jackson raised his hand. “Mrs. Carlson! Mrs. Carlson, it makes sense there would be a tie. There are fourteen boys and fourteen girls in the class.”

  Everyone but Bobby nodded. It did make sense.

  Bobby shook his head in disbelief. It didn’t make any sense.

  He had voted for Holly.

  “Okay, then!” Mrs. Carlson said brightly. “We will now have a run-off. That’s what happens when there’s a tie. Holly and Bobby, please come to the front of the room. You each can say a little something, and then we will vote again. Bobby, why don’t you go first this time?”

  Bobby fidgeted as the class stared at him. He checked to make sure there was no underwear stuck to him this time. “Um … uh, vote for me” was all he could come up with.

  It was Holly’s turn. “I promise that if I am elected, I will represent you well at student council meetings.” Bobby couldn’t help but admire her confidence.

  The class did silent reading as one by one students went back to the voting booth. When it was Bobby’s turn, he stared at the blank slip of paper. Finally he wrote down a name.

  After the last person cast their ballot, Mrs. Carlson quickly tallied up the votes. Then she counted them again to be sure.

  “We have another tie!” she announced. A murmur ran through the class. “Room 15 is only allowed one student council representative, so that means Bobby and Holly are going to need to work this out.”

  Bobby raised his hand. “Mrs. Carlson, can Holly and I talk about this outside?”

  * * *

  To Bobby, being alone with Holly felt both awkward and familiar. They watched Principal Coun hit one of the tetherballs as she crossed the playground. Neither said anything.

  Finally Bobby broke the silence. “When did you become a Girl Scout?”

  “Just recently,” Holly confessed. “It was Mrs. Zarr’s idea that we all wear our uniforms today.” She adjusted her Girl Scout vest and looked at Bobby. “New suit?”

  “Naw, it belongs to Chess.” He tugged at his collar. “The underwear wasn’t supposed to be part of my speech! It was static cling — honest.”

  “My mom uses Cling Away,” Holly said. “Maybe your dad should try it.”

  Bobby nodded. “Hey, Holly, thanks for saying I put the underpants on my shirt to get attention. Really, it wasn’t planned.”

  “I know that,” she said. “I felt so bad for you.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, yeah!” Holly sounded surprised. “Even though I hate you, I still like you as a frenemy.”

  “A what?”

  “Frenemy. You know, friend plus enemy equals frenemy.”

  Bobby’s ears turned red. “Same here,” he admitted. “I even voted for you.”

  Holly started laughing. “Bobby, I voted for you!”

  “You did?”

  “Well, you looked so miserable clutching Casey’s underpants. I thought that for all you went through, you could use an extra vote.” Holly took something out of her pocket. “Jillian Zarr wanted me to show this during my speech, but I couldn’t do it. Here, you can keep it.”

  Bobby felt a lump in his throat as he stared at the photo of himself stuck to the Koloff tree. Suddenly he realized what needed to be done.

  * * *

  “Holly, Bobby, have you come to a decision?” Mrs. Carlson asked when they returned to their seats.

  Both nodded. Bobby spoke up. His voice was clear and confident. “We have decided that Holly will be the representative for Room 15, and if she can’t make a meeting, I will take her place.”

  When some of the boys booed, Mrs. Carlson shushed them. “The candidates have made their decision and we need to respect that. Congratulations to both Holly and Bobby for being able to work things out. Now, if only we could get our world leaders to follow their example!”

  After school, St. James ran up to Bobby. “What happened?” he asked. “Did she threaten you?”

  “No.” Bobby shook his head.

  “Did she bribe you?”

  He shook his head again.

  St. James looked perplexed. “Well, then, why did you do it?”

  The other boys had gathered around by now. Everyone was waiting for his explanation. “Because,” Bobby began slowly, “it was the right thing to do.”

  “Oh, man!” St. James howled. “That’s a stupid reason! Geez, Bobby, you blew it!”

  Bobby rolled up the pant legs of Chess’s funeral suit and raced home to see Rover. He couldn’t wait to tell him about his horrible speech and the underpants thing. Plus, there was his talk with Holly and the boys being mad at him. Could it have been a more confusing day?

  The front door was unlocked. The house was unusually quiet. “Anyone home?” Bobby set his backpack down. “Dad?”

  Then he heard sobbing. He could see Casey curled up in a ball on the couch. Tears tumbled down her face, and her crown lay on the floor. Bobby rushed to her side. “Casey, what’s the matter?”

  She was gulping so much air she couldn’t talk. Mr. Ellis-Chan appeared with a glass of water and handed it to Casey. He looked serious. “Bobby,” he said slowly. “It was an accident. Rover —”

  Before he could finish, Bobby ran up to his room, taking the stairs two at a time.

  “Noooooooooooooooo!” he yelled. Rover was floating at the top of the aquarium, surrounded by a cloud of bubbles. “Rover?” Bobby shouted. “Rover!” He picked up the fish food and shook the container. “Rover, look, your favorite! Aw, come on, Rover. Stop playing around. Rover, this isn’t funny! Turn over right now!”

  Rover didn’t move.

  Casey was crying so loud it was echoing from downstairs. Mr. Ellis-Chan had followed Bobby upstairs. He grabbed his son and held on tight. “Calm down, calm down. Bobby, please calm down,” he pleaded.

  Finally, Bobby was tired of shouting. He went limp. As he buried his face in his father’s apron, Bobby realized it wasn’t Casey who was making the loud crying noises
. It was him.

  “Rover, Rover, Rover,” Bobby sobbed. “Rover.” He put both hands over his chest. How could anything so small create a hurt so big? “How?” Bobby asked. His voice shook. “Why?”

  Before his father could answer, Bobby spotted something out of place. Next to the aquarium lay an empty bottle of Princess Becky Bubble Bath.

  He grabbed the bottle and charged back downstairs to the living room. “How could you?” he demanded.

  Casey was sitting on the couch staring at the TV, even though it wasn’t on. When she saw her brother, she started crying all over again. Her body was shaking. “I’m sorry, Bobby,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry.”

  Bobby released his grip on the bottle and let it drop to the floor. He slumped onto the other end of the couch. Mr. Ellis-Chan came downstairs and sat between them, hugging Casey with one arm and Bobby with the other.

  * * *

  Later, back in his room, Bobby stared at the aquarium. His father had gotten rid of the bubbles. Rover was gone too.

  Bobby’s tears felt hot as they ran down his face. His nose was running, but he didn’t bother to wipe it. It felt good to cry.

  When Bobby finally tried to stop sobbing, he couldn’t. To his horror, he started gulping and making weird noises. Then the wheezing began.

  * * *

  Mr. Ellis-Chan paced the room as Bobby sat on the couch again, this time wearing his nebulizer mask. No one spoke. Casey was sucking her thumb, something she hadn’t done in ages.

  The back door slammed shut. “I’m home!” Annie shouted. She barged into the living room, carrying a case of butter toffee peanuts. “I’ve got to sell these for the football team fund-raiser. Who wants a can?” Annie looked around and frowned. “You guys look miserable. Who died?”

  “Rover,” her father said.

  “That’s not even funny,” Annie scolded him. When no one said anything, her eyes went from her sister to her brother. “Oh no. Bobby, I am so sorry. Are you okay?”

  He shook his head. Mist from his nebulizer escaped and evaporated into the air.