So Totally Emily Ebers Read online

  “Emily’s never been very athletic” — gee, thanks, Alice — “but people change, so you never know.”

  As Alice and Libby kept blabbering, I poked a hole in my eggs and watched the yolk ooze out. Could my life get any more boring?

  I wonder what A.J. and Nicole did today. I’ll bet they went to the movies and then to Twoheys for hot-fudge sundaes. I want to call them, but our phones still aren’t hooked up, and Alice claims it’s too expensive to use her cell phone because “roaming charges can really add up.”

  Now that I’m in Rancho Rosetta, it’s finally hitting me that I won’t see you until Thanksgiving. I don’t know if I can wait that long. At least this letter journal is making me feel like we’re still connected. I think about you all the time. I hope you think about me too.

  Love,

  Emily

  JUNE 17

  Hey Dad!

  The movers arrived today, so I finally, finally, finally have furniture in my room. All that was in here before was my suitcase and the map of the United States on the wall. I put a red sticker on Allendale, New Jersey, since that’s where we both left from — only you’ll be returning at the end of summer.

  TB and I are very happy to be sleeping in our own bed tonight. As usual, we are taking the top bunk. It’s very private up here, plus we like the view.

  Alice got all weirded out because some boxes are missing. “How can they just disappear? HOW CAN THEY JUST DISAPPEAR?!!!” She covered her mouth with both hands. “I am so sorry,” she sobbed. “It’s just that, I had everything so organized, they were numbered, and cataloged, I had lists … I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The movers just walked away, shaking their heads. I felt totally humiliated.

  It’s boxes, boxes everywhere, except the box with her lists in it is missing. It will take us forever to find anything. Luckily, “Emily’s Most Important Things” showed up. I checked to make sure everything was still there: my Elmo tape recorder, the photo of the three of us in the teacups at Disneyland, my baby blanket, Alice’s big paisley scarf, your Members Only jacket, and that bottle of shiny rocks from the State Fair.

  The first room Alice got all set up was her office. Well, not totally set up, but her desk looks exactly the same as it did in Allendale with her pens and paper and everything just so. That weird crystal flame she won last year is sitting on her bookshelf along with her ten billion other awards, and she’s already working on her computer. What a surprise.

  I asked her about e-mail again.

  “No, Emily, we’ve been over this before.”

  “Well then, can I have my own computer?”

  Alice did one of her famous sighs and stopped typing mid-word. “Not until you prove that you can be more responsible. You do know you are not to touch my computer, right?”

  I can’t believe she’s still holding that against me. How was I to know that “Delete This” was an article about spam? I thought I was doing her a favor! Remember how hard you laughed? And when you said, “I’ve told you a million times, you need to back up your files,” Alice locked herself in the bathroom for two hours. Well, at least now we each have our own bathroom.

  “But if I had a computer, I could e-mail Dad and connect with A.J. and Nicole on OurSpace.”

  “Emily, you know your father sold his computer when he quit his job. And as for OurSpace, didn’t you read that article I wrote about the dangers of the Internet?”

  “Alice …”

  “Not now, Emily. Not now.”

  If not now, then when?

  XOXO,

  EE

  P.S. Guess what I listened to today? “The Emily Song”! I kept playing it and rewinding, playing it and rewinding. When I play your song, it’s like you’re right here next to me. I could listen to it all day!

  JUNE 18

  Dad,

  HELP!!!

  My life in Rancho Rosetta is over before it’s even begun. Alice has signed me up for volleyball!!! She knows I hate sports, so that must mean she hates me.

  “Emily, this will get you out of the house. You said you wanted to meet people, plus the physical activity will be good for you —”

  “Right. I said I wanted to meet people, not make a fool of myself trying to hit a ball over a net.”

  “Emily! This is not open to discussion….”

  I tuned her excuses out and tuned in to Mongo Bongo in my head. I still can’t believe you once opened for them. They’re like rock royalty, even though they’re really old now and look ridiculous wearing those shiny tight pants. I saw a documentary about them the other day on RockStar TV. Someday, they’ll be doing a documentary about the Talky Boys! Ooooh, I hope they interview me. I’ll say, “Dave ‘the Dude’ Ebers is the best singer in the entire world!!!”

  How’s your tour going? I’ll bet you’re getting tons and tons of new fans every time you take the stage. I told this to Alice last night, but she got all spazzed out and her lower lip started shaking. So I asked her about global warming and she calmed right down and launched into this brain-numbing lecture I couldn’t understand. It really doesn’t matter. I don’t listen to Alice. When I tuned in to her rant again, I tried reasoning with her about this dumb volleyball thing, but she’s so stubborn.

  “Alice, volleyball just isn’t my thing.”

  “Emily, it wouldn’t hurt you to try something new.”

  “Alice, I am trying something new. I moved here, didn’t I?”

  “Emily, we all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes.”

  “Alice, why do I have to do things I don’t want to do ALL THE TIME?”

  Alice pushed her chair away from her desk. “Emily, there’s no need to get hysterical.”

  “ALICE, I AM NOT BEING HYSTERICAL, I AM BEING HONEST! I DON’T WANT TO PLAY VOLLEYBALL, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN RANCHO ROSETTA, I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE AT ALL, AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!”

  “Emily! EMILY LAURA EBERS, you come back right now….”

  I didn’t wait to hear what Alice had to say. I wish you were with me. Or I wish I were wherever you are. I wish I were anywhere but here.

  Love,

  Emily

  JUNE 20

  Dearest Daddy,

  MY OWN CREDIT CARD!!!

  You do love me! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, and in case you hadn’t heard … THANK YOU!!! It’s the best birthday present ever. I was so thrilled when I got the mail and saw one of my address labels on an envelope. The card was so cute, an elephant driving a convertible! But then when I opened it and a credit card fell out, I went into shock. You are the greatest dad in the entire world!

  Remember the time you showed up at my party in a big black limo and whisked me and A.J. and Nicole and everyone to Serendipity 3 in Manhattan? That was like a total dream — especially when you ordered gigantic banana splits for EACH of us — but this is even better. My own credit card! I like that it’s shiny and silver and has my name on it right in front. It’s soooo official.

  “A credit card?” Leave it to Alice to try to ruin everything. “Emily, aren’t you a little young for a credit card?” she asked in a tone that said, “Because I think you are a little young for a credit card.”

  “Daddy doesn’t think so.”

  “Yes, well, I think it’s rather irresponsible of him to give you a credit card at your age. Besides, he can’t even pay off his own credit-card bills. What’s he doing giving one to you?”

  “You’re just saying that because he loves me and did something nice for me. You’re just jealous!”

  “Emily!” Alice shouted, before turning all red. “Your father is just … your father …”

  She never did finish her sentence. Instead she retreated to her office.

  Alice is so mean sometimes. It’s like you used to say, “She just doesn’t get it.”

  Well, I’m not letting Alice get in the way of my happiness, because it’s my birthday and I have MY
OWN CREDIT CARD. She was still locked in her office when I headed to the mall. Luckily everything in Rancho Rosetta is in walking distance. I’d rather pedal a tricycle around town than ask Alice for a ride anywhere.

  The Rancho Rosetta Mall is two stories tall and has three department stores, including a Shah’s! When I neared the entrance, the doors parted and the air-conditioning washed over me. I grinned as I stepped inside. The stores looked so inviting. I know you said the card is only for emergencies, and maybe something small now and then, but MY OWN CREDIT CARD! Don’t worry, I was careful not to max it out, plus I bought all practical stuff like a BeDazzler.

  When I got home, Alice was hunched over her computer, typing away.

  “Emily, there you are!” she said, straightening up. She had changed out of her blue tracksuit into that black LAYA skirt and cream Meriel Rohana blouse I like. “Come on, get dressed. We’ve got reservations!”

  Alice was smiling and I was relieved that she had recovered from her temper tantrum. It’s like Mood Swing Central around here.

  We went to a fancy restaurant called Chavelaque. Because it was my birthday, I got to order whatever I wanted. I had three appetizers — shrimp cocktail, homemade potato chips, and some cheese thing that I didn’t eat because I found out it was made with goat cheese. (Ewwwww!) At the end of dinner, the waitress brought out a small chocolate cake. All the servers stood around our table and started singing “Happy Birthday.” Alice sang too (off-key as usual), and some people from the other tables joined in. Everyone stopped eating and looked at me. It was pretty neat. I wonder if this is how celebrities feel? Is this how you used to feel when your band was really, really famous?

  “Blow out the candles,” Alice said.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and made a wish. Then I blew out the candles and everyone applauded. But when I opened my eyes, Alice was still sitting alone and you were nowhere to be seen.

  When we got home, there were presents waiting for me on the kitchen table. Alice gave me a pair of really nice silver hoop earrings. They’re hypoallergenic so I won’t get an infection, like the last time I wore hoops. She also got me a prepaid phone card with $20 on it. Now I can call A.J. and Nicole. I’d call you too, but I don’t know where you are. I wish your tour poster listed more than just the cities you’ll be appearing in. It would be so cool for me to be able to keep track of you.

  Nicole and A.J. sent me a framed photo of our last day at Wilcox Academy, and they also sent some really great metallic blue nail polish and the sweetest monkey wallet. I even got a card from Evan. Can you believe it? Ever since I broke off our engagement in kindergarten, he’s sort of ignored me. I guess he’s not so bad. And he is sort of cute, even if I am so much taller than him.

  Overall, my birthday was pretty good, except when Alice got all teary-eyed because, “Emily, twelve years old, you’re practically a teenager!” I only wish you could have been here. I’m getting better at pretending you are. If you can’t find your aftershave, it’s because I took it the last time I visited you. Right before I started writing this letter, I had just put the cap back on when Alice came into my room.

  “What’s that smell?”

  “Um, just a perfume sample from a magazine.”

  “Oh. It’s just that it smells like … never mind. Nothing. It’s time for bed, Emily. Good night, honey.”

  Well, it’s really late. I’d better get to bed before Alice comes back and tells me to turn off the lights. Maybe next year we can all celebrate my birthday together. Thanks again for my credit card. It’s the best gift anyone’s ever given me.

  Love always,

  Your Birthday Girl

  JUNE 21

  Dear Dad,

  I was in my room reading Gamma Girl magazine when Alice pushed the door open. She didn’t even knock. She handed me a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. I opened my mouth to protest, but Alice cut me off. “Emily, please don’t start,” was all she said before leaving.

  I stared at the volleyball uniform. Maybe I can wear it and not have to play. After all, Alice wears tracksuits all the time and never leaves the house.

  Before I could close my door, Alice returned. “I almost forgot this,” she said, handing me a schedule for the R.R.G.S.V.L., aka the Rancho Rosetta Girls’ Summer Volleybarf League.

  Here’s the bad news:

  Monday afternoon — volleyball.

  Wednesday afternoon — volleyball.

  Friday afternoon — volleyball.

  And let’s not forget SATURDAY mornings — volleyball.

  It starts tomorrow.

  Whoopie.

  Love,

  Emily

  JUNE 22

  Dear Dad,

  Today was the first day of volleyball, and it was awful. The gym looked just like the one at Wilcox Academy, only a thousand times bigger. But instead of everyone I knew being there, it was full of everyone I didn’t know. Still, I put on my best smile and tried to work the room.

  The girl standing nearest to me was super tall, tan, skinny, and blond. Not blond like me, since my hair is darkish blond. Her blond was like sunshine-wheat-fields-gold-could-have-her-own-magazine blond. Plus, her teeth were really white and totally straight. She was so beautiful I couldn’t help but stare.

  “Hi, I’m Emily!”

  The girl looked me over, and even though we were wearing the same uniform, I felt like I was dressed all wrong.

  “I’m Julie,” she answered.

  “Have you played much volleyball before?” I asked. “It’s such a violent sport, you know, spiking and hitting, ha-ha….”

  “Alyssa, Ariel, Ariana, and I have played together for years,” she said.

  I glanced at Alyssa, Ariel, and Ariana. They all looked the same, which was really weird since one of them was black, one was white, and one I’m not sure of. If Julie were a pop star, they’d be her backup singers.

  “Volleyball is, like, our thing,” Julie continued. “We even play for Rancho Rosetta Middle School.”

  “Hey, that’s where I’ll be going! I’m new. I was hoping to meet some kids before school starts, so it’s great that we’ll be on the same team this —”

  “That’s nice.” Julie turned her back to me. I had no idea backs could be so expressive.

  Some of the girls on the volleyball team are totally heartless, just like your song “Heartless Empty-Hearted Heartbreaker.” There was this one Asian girl — you could just tell she didn’t want to be there. She was all tense the entire time, though she did try to joke and pretend to know the height of the net and stuff like that. Then when we were practicing, the ball hit the girl on the head. I thought she was going to cry, especially when Julie and her backup singers started laughing. I should have gone up to the girl and asked if she was okay. If it happens again, I will. But I doubt she’ll be back. She disappeared the minute practice was over, not even sticking around to help name the team.

  “Serve-ivors?”

  “I think that’s a great name,” Ariel or Alyssa or Ariana said.

  “Thanks,” said Julie. “It’s so ‘now.’ Shall we vote?”

  I miss Nicole and A.J. soooooo much. Funny, but when I was at Wilcox Academy I thought it was horrible that the school was so small, and that there were only twenty-five kids in my entire grade. Now I would give anything to be back.

  “How was volleyball?” Alice asked when I got home. She’s always grilling me.

  “Horrible.”

  “It can’t be that bad.”

  “Well, it is.”

  “You just need to give it a try.”

  “And you just need to give it a rest.”

  “Emily!”

  I didn’t wait to hear what she had to say. Later, when Alice was picking up dinner, I happened to be in her office. I found a partially eaten chocolate bar and bit off a piece. On the floor near her filing cabinets was a pile of books about divorce and how it affects kids. It affects kids in a bad way, okay? Does s
he need a book to figure that out?

  I finished the chocolate bar, then gathered up all her divorce books and threw them in the neighbors’ garbage can.

  I hate Rancho Rosetta.

  Love,

  Emily

  JUNE 24

  Dear Dad,

  I’m not sure what to do. Alice is in the bathroom crying. She’s so loud it sounds fake, but I don’t think it is.

  She thinks I’m at the mall right now. I was headed there, but had to turn around to get my credit card. Should I go in and ask her if she’s okay? My stomach is in knots. I wish there was another grown-up around. What should I do?

  Maybe I should just pretend I never heard her. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. It might embarrass her if she knew that I knew she cried like that. I don’t feel like shopping now, but I need to get out of here fast.

  Emily

  JUNE 25

  Dear Daddy,

  Hooray! Hooray! Thanks for the postcard, I love it! The La Razel Luxury Spa and Resort. Is that where you’re staying right now? It looks really ooh-la-la! I guess they have pretty fancy places in New Haven. I’m going to mark it on my map with a sticker.

  Well, I’ve BeDazzled practically everything I own. You know what a BeDazzler is, right? It’s that machine where you can put metal studs or jewels and stuff on clothing. I was going to BeDazzle your Members Only jacket, but I want to keep that in pristine condition since it may be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame someday. I considered BeDazzling TB, but decided against it. TB is not a flashy sort of teddy bear, although Miss Lucy Lion would look fabulous covered with gems.

  I only have $1.34 left on my phone card. We’ve arranged it so when I call Nicole and A.J., they are on Nicole’s dad’s speakerphone. This might sound funny, but sometimes I dread talking to them. That’s because one of them will just say something like “funnel cake” and the other will burst out laughing. I feel so lame because I have no idea what they are talking about. And when they tell me about going bowling or their latest sleepover, I just want to hang up. We used to be three best friends, but now it’s like the two of them together and me way out here alone. I should be happy that they sound so happy, but I’m not. Am I a bad person?