So Totally Emily Ebers Page 13

  Do you want to know the best day of my life, and the worst day? Well, it was the same day. You and Alice got all dressed up and so did I. You took me to Blum’s Bistro and were acting nice to each other, something I hadn’t seen in a long time. We looked like a happy family. I thought we were a happy family. Then right before dessert came you said that you and Alice had some big news.

  Alice smiled and nodded without saying anything. I was so happy. I thought you guys were going to tell me I was getting a sister or a brother, or at least a dog. Only, when it came time to tell me, you couldn’t talk. Instead you got up and left the table. So Alice spoke and said that you were moving out again, and that this time it was permanent because the two of you were getting a divorce. And then the dessert came and none of us could eat it, and it was chocolate.

  The ride home in the car was excruciating. Silent, except for the sound of Alice trying to muffle her sobs. Even when you turned the radio up really high, it couldn’t mask the silence. Alice had lied to me. You had too. You both knew about the divorce coming, yet you acted like everything was fine. Not saying anything is the same as lying. Sometimes it’s worse.

  You are still silent. I should have expected that. Even when we lived in the same town, the only time we ever got together or talked was when I called you.

  I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and if you truly loved me, you’d call. I’m waiting.

  Emily L. Ebers

  AUGUST 14

  Dad,

  Lavender’s on the radio. She doesn’t play your kind of music, but I like her. Lavender cares about people, unlike others I know.

  I wandered around the mall this morning and bought so much stuff I thought the credit card would wear out. By the time I was done, I had so many shopping bags that I could barely carry them all home.

  I called you in the afternoon, but hung up after one ring. Today at 2 p.m., Alice and I both cried in our bathrooms. It sounded like stereo, only she stopped first. She’s not crying as long as she used to, but I’ve picked up the slack.

  Sometimes when I cry I stare at my face in the mirror. When I first stare at myself it looks like me. Then after a while, if I stare hard without blinking, my face begins to morph and I look like someone else entirely. It’s weird and scary and mesmerizing, and kind of cool in a strange way. Only when I stop crying, nothing’s changed.

  Sometimes I wish I were someone else completely. That I could just start over.

  It’s nighttime.

  Alice keeps trying to talk to me through the door.

  “Emily? Emily, I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

  “Okay. Well, I’m leaving some food for you out here. You have to eat.”

  I waited until I was sure she was gone. The pizza tasted great and I devoured the grapes.

  “Hello, you night owls out there.” I turned the radio up. “You’re listening to Lavender on this moonlit evening. And for all you lovers and lonely hearts, here’s a special song just for you….”

  Lavender always knows exactly what to play. I could listen to her forever. You can just tell that she’s been heartbroken, but she doesn’t talk about herself. Instead she listens to what people tell her, and then tries to give them hope. When I grow up, I’m going to be like Lavender.

  “Rachel,” Lavender said gently, “you say that after three years of dating, he just stopped calling?”

  “Yes,” Rachel sobbed. “No warning, no nothing.”

  “Gee, that’s got to be hard. Here’s a little song that may help mend your broken heart….”

  Then she played “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” by the Bee Gees. Have you ever heard of them? I can’t tell if they are men or women singing.

  Lately, it feels like everything is all jumbled up, like on that game show where you have to guess what the letters spell. Maybe Stanford and Millicent never liked me. Maybe you never loved me. I don’t know who I can trust anymore. I looked around at all the stuff I bought today. Hats and vases and mugs and coffee beans and tons of CDs. But they didn’t make me feel any better, so I just tossed everything in the closet. If I were on a game show, I’d be the big loser.

  Emily

  AUGUST 15

  Dad,

  I am really praying the phone whatever was just some sort of huge misunderstanding, but this waiting is getting harder and harder. Every day that passes makes me lose more hope. If I could just get one more postcard from the road, then I’d know it was all a silly mistake.

  One thing I know I’m not mistaken about is this: Millicent Min and Stanford Wong lied to me. I tried to think of reasons to forgive them, but in the end I decided that they knew what they were doing was wrong, and they still went ahead with their lies. Did they think it wouldn’t matter to me? Or that I’d just let it go?

  At the library, Ms. Martinez greeted me warmly. I forced a smile, then hurried past her before she could ask me about Romeo and Juliet. I wasn’t there to discuss books.

  My former friends were sitting at a table in the back. I could hear them arguing before I could see them, but they both shut up instantly when they saw me.

  “Stanford. Millicent,” I said, delivering the speech I had practiced. “I don’t have much to say to either of you, other than I hope that you had fun with your little charade.”

  Stanford looked different. I couldn’t tell how because I was afraid that if I looked directly at him, I’d fall apart. Instead, I tossed The Outsiders onto the table. “Here, you can have your book back. Even though you raved about it, I don’t think I want to read it anymore.”

  I took my friendship necklace off and set it down next to the book. “I think this belongs to you,” I told Millie. My voice began to crack. I had worn my necklace every day, even when it didn’t match my outfit. “I hope the two of you have fun together making up lies. Good-bye.”

  Then, head held up high, I turned around and marched out of the library and straight to the mall, where the salespeople were happy to see me.

  Lavender is on. She’s playing a song called “That’s What Friends Are For.” Stevie Wonder is singing. He’s blind, but you’d never know it by his songs. He sounds like he can see better than anyone.

  When I gave Stanford and Millie their things back, the look of shock on their faces gave me a weird sort of satisfaction. It was as if I was in charge, if only for the moment. When I got home, I pulled your frying pan out from under my bed and put it in the kitchen. Now everything is where it’s supposed to be.

  I’m going to give TB extra hugs tonight. I really think he needs a friend right now.

  Emily

  AUGUST 16

  Dad,

  Alice said I had to go to volleyball, even though I had planned to go shopping. The last person I wanted to see was Millicent Min. I don’t miss her at all. I don’t miss the way she babbled on and on about boring subjects, and how when she got excited, she’d stand up and wave her arms around. I don’t miss that she used to drag me to the Rialto to see those stupid black-and-white movies, although Miracle on 34th Street was pretty good. And I certainly don’t miss how uptight she was about keeping her Archie comics alphabetized, even though it did make it easier to find certain issues.

  I was at the gym warming up when I heard, “Hi Emily!”

  “Millie?” I spun around. “Oh, hi Wendy.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Not much. What about with you?”

  “We might get a Labradoodle puppy, but that probably won’t happen. I think my dad just said he’d consider it so that my brother and I would stop bugging him.”

  “A dog would be nice. They’re very loyal.”

  Coach Gowin blew her whistle. “Girls, line up!”

  Millicent Min was usually in the front. Today she wasn’t even at the back.

  The game got off to a slow start and never picked up. I made a ton of stupid mistakes. Julie didn’t say anything, but I could tell s
he was upset. Maybe she was right when she insulted me that first day. Maybe I am fat, and that’s why I’m so bad at volleyball. Maybe I’m just fat and ugly and that’s why I don’t have any friends. How could I even think that someone like Stanford Wong would ever want to be my boyfriend? How stupid was I to think that anyone would ever want me? You don’t.

  After the game, I went to the library. Millie and Stanford don’t have tutoring on Fridays, but just in case they were there, I slipped Romeo and Juliet in the return box outside where I was sure not to bump into anyone. I didn’t read it. I never finished The Outsiders either, so I don’t know what happens. It probably has a really sad ending and everyone dies.

  Emily

  AUGUST 17

  Dad,

  Millicent has stopped coming to volleyball. I think I’m the only one who has noticed she’s missing. Isn’t it interesting how people can just disappear?

  At today’s game, Wendy scored three points in a row. She’s an excellent volleyball player. Even Julie thinks so. “Wendy, you should think about going out for the Rancho Rosetta team when school starts.”

  “Really? Oh, Julie, do you think I should?”

  “Uh, I just said so, didn’t I?”

  Julie turned to me and I braced myself. “I liked the outfit you wore to the mall the other day. Wasn’t it in Gamma Girl?”

  “Yes,” I stammered. Julie saw me at the mall and remembered what I was wearing, and now she was complimenting me? How weird was that?

  As we rotated positions, I asked Wendy, “What are you doing after the game?”

  “Nothing, really.”

  “Do you want to get a smoothie?”

  “Sure!”

  When it was my turn to serve, bamm! I hit the ball over the net.

  I don’t need Millicent Min or Stanford Wong. Or A. J. Schiffman or Nicole Kwan. Or even you or Alice. I can make new friends. I can make even better friends than the ones I had before.

  At Smoothie Station, I ordered the Double Mocha Mango Delight.

  “Those have a lot of calories,” Wendy noted. “I’m having the Pineapple Passion, but made with all ice and no yogurt, and only half the pineapple and no orange juice.”

  Wendy talks about her weight a lot. She also talks about Julie a lot, which is weird, because Julie hardly notices Wendy.

  “Julie’s like the most popular girl at Rancho Rosetta. Last year she dated someone in high school. She’s got the best clothes, and she has two cell phones, one for family and one for friends. Julie gets her hair highlighted, and her summer pedicure party is so exclusive that one girl who wasn’t invited changed schools rather than face everyone.”

  “That’ll be $6.94,” the Smoothie Station guy said, handing us our drinks. Wendy’s eyes lit up when I pulled out my credit card.

  “No way!” she squealed. “It’s got to be a fake! Is it a fake? It looks so real. Is it fake?”

  “It’s real,” I said. “My dad gave it to me. Your drink’s on me.”

  “Wow,” Wendy said, taking a sip of her Pineapple Passion from a coffee stirrer. “Thank you. I’ve never even heard of someone our age having her own credit card! I’ll bet you’re the only kid in Rancho Rosetta with one.”

  “What are the kids around here like? Is it like volleyball? You know, the popular ones and the rest of us.”

  Wendy stared deep into her smoothie, and I could tell she was giving my question some serious thought. “There are various levels of popularity,” she finally said. “I’d rank Julie’s group as A-plus. The Roadrunners are A-plus too — they’re the basketball players. Then there are the rich kids, and the mean kids, and the geek kids, and the jocks, and the drama queens, the troublemakers, the brains, and the nobodies. You know, like any school.”

  I knew. Even though Wilcox Academy was small, we did have our cliques.

  “What about you, Wendy? What group are you in?”

  “Oh,” she said, sounding disgusted. “I’m in with the regular girls. We’re sort of in the middle. Not geeks, but not popular. Just average.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing, except that we’re considered boring and none of the cute guys will even look at us.”

  Wendy suddenly got quiet and began to chew on her coffee stirrer.

  “Hey, we should exchange phone numbers,” I said. “Maybe we can do more stuff together.”

  “That sounds good,” she said, perking up.

  “Want to go to the mall?” I asked.

  “Oh, I’d love to, but I have to babysit my brother. Maybe some other time.”

  It felt good to see Wendy smile. But even though she’s really nice and wants to be friends, I didn’t feel as happy as I thought I should. I felt empty. What’s the matter with me?

  When I got home, I found a postcard waiting for me. At first I was really excited because I thought it was from you, but instead it was a reminder that my subscription to Gamma Girl is going to expire soon. I signed up for the five-year renewal option with my credit card. I also ordered a second Gamma Girl subscription to be sent to your house, in case I ever visit. While I was at it, I got a subscription to Rolling Stone for Alice and a subscription to Senior Lifestyles for you.

  Emily

  AUGUST 18

  Dad,

  Stanford called three times this afternoon, but he didn’t say much. Actually, he didn’t say anything. He just hung up when I answered. I knew it was him from the caller ID.

  I’m so glad that I’m over him. I mean, all I did was think about him, day and night. Today I was constantly not thinking about him, which means that I had a lot of extra time. I was in my room not thinking about him, and then he called. Then I had to think about him, and then I forced myself not to. And then he called again. See what a pain he is? Maybe Millicent was right when she said, “He’s not even worth a second thought.”

  I can’t believe that I ever liked Stanford. Isn’t it enough that he played a really mean trick on me? Now he’s doing phone hang-ups. He’s the one with the hang-ups. Like how stupid and immature he is. I guess I’m glad he never was my boyfriend. I wonder if Juliet had this much trouble with Romeo?

  Wouldn’t you know, today Alice asked me about the play?

  “I returned it to the library.”

  She looked up from her fruit salad. “Really? Well, how did you like it?”

  I considered lying, but there has been too much lying going on here already.

  “I didn’t read it.”

  “Oh,” Alice said. I could see that she was pretending it was no big deal. “Well, that’s okay, I guess. It was probably unfair of me to give you a reading assignment.” She speared a grape with her fork. “You have much better things to do than hole up with a book!”

  The sad fact was I didn’t have anything better to do. Not anymore.

  “I haven’t seen Millie for a couple days,” Alice continued. She offered me a strawberry, but I shook my head. “She must be busy with her studies. Why don’t you invite her for a sleepover? I can order out for dinner. Millicent loves Pizza Wheels.”

  “I can’t …”

  “Sure you can, just call her.”

  “No, I mean, I can’t. We’re not talking.”

  Alice put down her fork. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Did you have a fight?”

  “I guess you could say that.”

  “What happened?”

  How could I explain to Alice what happened when I’m not sure myself? All I know is that Millicent didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. That hurts more than whatever it was she was trying to hide from me.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Alice was quiet before saying, “Well, if you ever do want to talk. About Millicent, or anything, anything at all, I want you to know that I am here for you.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Emily, I am here for you, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay. Now can I go?”

 
I’ve been using my BeDazzler a lot lately, but I can never seem to finish anything. Lavender is talking to a lot of sad people right now. I’m considering calling her. If I did, I’d tell her that I am all alone.

  Wait … Lavender just said something amazing.

  “Now for all the lonely people out there, I want to tell you, don’t give up. There is hope over the horizon. Don’t let sadness get the better of you. You can let loneliness beat you, or you can beat it. And you know that I’m in your corner, that’s why this song is for you….”

  Now she’s playing “Lonely People” by a band called America. Do you know them?

  I am going to listen to Lavender now. She probably knows me better than anyone.

  Emily

  AUGUST 19

  Dad,

  Millie showed up for volleyball today. I ignored her, which was difficult since I was always glancing over to see if she was ignoring me. The whole time Julie kept making her usual snide remarks, not to Millie’s face, but loud enough so everyone could hear.

  “Oops! Someone really botched that last serve!”

  “It helps to be awake when you play volleyball.”

  “What team is she on, ours or theirs?”

  Julie made me so mad, but Millie made me madder. Why doesn’t she defend herself?

  After the game, Wendy and I headed out. I couldn’t bear to look at Millicent as we left.

  “Why did you stop hanging around with her?” Wendy asked. She was sipping her ever-present water bottle. Wendy says that drinking water all day tricks your stomach into thinking you’re full.

  “Oh, I don’t know. It just wasn’t, you know. We just didn’t, I don’t know.”

  “Is it that genius thing I told you about?” asked Wendy. “I’ve heard that she’s really weird. Is she really weird? She seems nice, but definitely different.”

  “She’s not weird! She’s … quirky.”

  “Let’s go this way,” Wendy said, pulling my arm.

  As we walked through the park, I could hear children playing. One little girl was stuck on the top of the slide. Below her, the other kids were yelling at her to come down, but she kept shaking her head as she gripped the rails.